Monday, September 24, 2007

An open letter to office end users

If you work in IT, you will appreciate (and relate directly) to this.

Open Letter to Users

1. Be specific. - Don't say your computer is broken. Tell us that Excel crashes when you load the current year budget spreadsheet.

2. Don't lie. - If you screwed something up, be honest. Don't try to hide your mistakes, because we know.

3. Don't get curious. - We have these things called logs and audit trails. If you start snooping where you don't belong, we will find out.

4. Learn the difference between Reply and Reply All. - One goes to one person... The other goes to half the organization.

5. Let's make a deal. - If I fix your home computer, then you can do my taxes, cut my grass, or some other task. It's simple: just because we fix your screw ups on your work PC doesn't mean we want to fix your screw ups on your home PC.

6. Repeat after me: "I do not know anything about computers." - We don't care if you had an Apple II. Do not think that you are an expert and can fix problems, install software, etc.

7. Repeat after me: "I am not computer illiterate." - The computer speaks the same language you do. Just because you are inexperienced does not give you the right to shut off your brain and not learn anything. (If you truly can't read, then you need to start somewhere else besides a computer.)

8. Don't complain about passwords. - I guarantee that the IT staff has twice as many passwords to remember. Get over it. Remember your passwords.

9. Help Desk, Help Desk, Help Desk. - Call the Help Desk first. Do not interrupt me in the break room, bathroom, or any other room. Call the Help Desk first.

10. Learn this fact: Elevators do not come faster when you push the button twenty times, and your printout does not come out faster when you click print twenty times. Simple.

11. Don't be a slob. - Not sure if you are a slob? Well, if your keyboard has crumbs in it and your off-white mouse is now black, then you are a slob. And no one wants to touch that junk.

12. Buy a radio. - Don't ask us to help you connect to your favorite Lite Rock station on the internet. Buy a stupid radio. I promise I won't charge you for the electrcity you use.

13. Buy a book. - If you don't know the difference between your monitor and your computer, buy a book. If you don't know the difference between Windows and Office, buy a book. If you don't know the difference between left and right click—well, never mind, just quit.

14. Don't be so ambitious - No, you may not buy the Internet. However, you may purchase a subscription to an Internet Service provider which will give you access to the Internet. I don't think you have the billions of dollars it would take to buy the whole Internet, even if it were for sale.

15. There is not an "any" key on your keyboard - If you have a college degree and you can't figure out which key to press when we tell you to "hit any key" you should really try to get your money back.