Sunday, September 03, 2006

For those of you....

...who hate shitting at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING - When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants

FLY BY - The act of scouting out a bathroom before shitting. Walk in and check for other shitters. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom

ESCAPEE - A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a dump in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy

JAILBREAK - When forcing a dump, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH - The act of flushing the toilet the instant the shit hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the shit has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME

WALK OF SHAME - Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH

OUT OF THE CLOSET SHITTER - A colleague who shits at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Shitter enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Shitter before entering the bathroom.

THE SHITTING FRIENDS NETWORK (S.F.N) - A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency shitting goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Shitters, and identify SAFE HAVENS

TURD BURGLAR - Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE - A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the shitter can shit in peace

WATERMELON - A dump that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH

HAVANA OMELET - A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED - A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to shit when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees


Simmons said...

That's some funny shit.

Shelly Fire said...

How can you sit around and blog when Steve Irwin's body isn't even cold yet?!?!?!?! :( :(

Justin Fox said...

Yea dewd, I heard late last night that the croc hunter died. Croikey!

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Shelly Fire said...

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